Wow!

You know, it's funny. I think I've had a major epiphany...we have absolutely no control over this life, and that's a good thing. Let me explain how I've come to this conclusion. My dad has Alzheimer's. This is an absolutely horrible disease, that affects everyone around it's victims. I've heard many people say that there are blessings that come from this disease, and until today I couldn't appreciate what that meant...and actually was quite annoyed by that statement. You see, a blessing to me tends to mean something I am thankful for, and I certainly haven't reached the point of appreciating this disease. Anyways, I was watching the pilot of a new show called Mental this morning while I was nursing Maggie, it's about a new doctor in a psych ward that uses different methods of helping the patients. He was working with a man that had schizophrenia, and he was trying to use alternate methods of treating him besides just medication. I have been thinking about what the purpose of Alzheimer's is and what it has done to our lives. I think about this often, as I was watch and help my father struggle with simple tasks and daily functions. I often wonder, "What is the purpose of disease and such difficult struggles, and what am I supposed to be learning from this experience?" I think the answer to that question is this, we have to learn that we have no control over our lives...if you've ever had a humbling experience, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that we have no control over our choices or that we don't have agency...I'm saying that we make choices, but we have absolutely no input as to what the consequences for our actions will be. Not only that, but many things come into our lives with absolutely no choice made on our ends at all. When my dad was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's I remember feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me...like life was out of control. Which in reality, "control", is such an illusion. We are so used to having things in order that the second an unplanned experience comes our way we feel completely uprooted. I still feel that way everyday. If you'd have told me 10 years ago, that at the age of 25 I would become one of the primary care givers to my 64 year father with Alzheimer's as well as a wife and mother of 2 small children I'd have thought you were crazy, and if you'd have asked me to prepare for this I wouldn't have known how. You see, the blessing I have decided has come from this unplanned, and completely unexpected event in our lives is that I have learned that I have absolutely no control over my life. Which used to be a really scary feeling to me, until I realized that the person who does have control is so much wiser than me, can see my past, present, and future, and loves me more than I can possibly imagine. When I had this sweet experience this morning of understanding, I realized that I love my father more now that I get to see him struggle through this small part of his life. The opportunity I have to help him at what he'd consider his very worst, has actually strengthened our relationship, because he can't do it alone. Which I realized today is so much like my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Our relationship is strengthened most when I allow him to help me when I am at my very worst. For this I am grateful. Sorry for my ramblings, and hopefully they kind of made sense, but my heart is very full today.