Thankful thoughts

The last two weeks have been...what's the word...exciting, emotional, inspirational, a time of growing and learning.  You know how you go through periods of just life?  Where you don't feel like your moving forward or backward?  Then you have times were you feel like your mind is flooded with knowledge and insight?  That's how the last two weeks have been.  I've been struggling.  Trying to keep up with demands of 4 children, making a house a home, keeping healthy food a priority, church callings, laundry and all things to do with scrubbing, being the wife I want to be, refinancing and the stresses of financial decisions, and in the middle of all that keeping my sanity and still growing as myself. The quote that says," Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked (thought) about it?" kept on popping into my mind as the thoughts of inadequacy and how overwhelmed I was feeling continued to be a struggle.  And the one that says something about when you feel overwhelmed your spending too much time in this world and not enough time with the Lord." So one morning, before the choppies woke up, I did just that.  I turned it over to Heavenly Father.  I told him what I was struggling with, that I needed his help, that I had faith that he would help me, and that I knew he loved me.  Wow, the peace and love that came that day was so awesome. There's nothing like that wash of love that only He can give.  Luckily I had my change of heart and attitude before Father's Day because this one was a tough one for me.  I really miss my dad.  I miss what he's missing out on.  I know he is doing a great work there, but I still miss him.  Then this clip cam on my newsfeed on Facebook. I loved it!

Post by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I remember when my dad was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's, thinking, "why would You do this to him? He has done everything You've asked of him and he is a great man, how could You do this?"  I felt angry and frustrated and actually hurt.  I was able to work through all that as I could see His hand softening us, and as I was able to serve my dad when he couldn't help himself, I realized that trial and "cutting down" was something my dad had to face, but it was definitely for me too. I had to learn how to serve and rely on my Heavenly Father in ways that I couldn't possibly have learned any other way.  Yes, trials and growth hurt.  They are painful, but sometimes when we think we are growing and thriving, he says, "Wait, I don't want you to be a "tree," you are capable of becoming and have the potential to be a "bush.""

I'm so thankful for the growing seasons in my life.  The growing part is painful, but I'm thankful for the opportunity we have to be corrected. 

3 years

 I miss my dad...

I'm so glad Sam and Mags got to spend a lot of time with him.  I wish they'd have known him when he was healthy.  He was such a good man. A ton of my memories have something funny in them.  He liked to tease and play pranks. He loved hiding out so he could scare me.  Maybe that's why I love doing that so much...sorry Kendall!
I remember my dad as being super strong. I even having drawings in my journal as a kid of him with super big muscles.
He could fix anything.  Seriously.  I don't remember him ever not being able to figure out how to fix a problem.
He was a spiritual giant.  He taught me how to rely on my Heavenly Father.  I have so many memories of him sitting quietly reading his scriptures.

He loved my kids. For as long as he could, he'd be down on his hands and knees playing trucks with Sam and chasing Mags. I wish he'd have known Jack & Josh in this life.  Jack is a tease just like his Grandpa.
He loved my mom.  It was a big mistake to cross mom when dad was around.  Together they showed us how we should be treated by our spouses.

He loved to serve.
He took the time to teach us.  Whether it was actual things he showed us how to do, or through talks.

I can't believe it's already been 3 years since he passed away.  For those who don't know, he had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

I miss you dad!

A hard day

Tonight as I am sitting in my quiet front room...everyone's asleep...I came across this blog that had a super cute tutorial for muscle man shirts.  It was pinned wrong though so I had to scroll through a couple of posts to get to the tutorial...annoying!  As I started looking at this blog I realized the girls dad had passed away at about the same time as my dad...for those of you who may not know, my dad passed away in January of 2011 from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease.  She writes letters to her dad at different times in her life and there was a particular part in one of the letters that really hit me.  "I'm sorry I haven't written a letter for awhile.  I've wanted to, but there are things that are sometimes just too hard to write about.  Too hard to even think about really.  I have a deeper understanding of why you were taken when you were though.  God knows the plan for lives much more clearly than we do.  I believe that strongly.  Our family needed you fighting for us from the other side.  Someone who cared as deeply for us as you do.  Someone who would never give up on any of us.  Keep fighting, keep pushing, in the long run I'm certain it will pay off.  We'll do the best we can here, and you fight for us all from there.  Heaven knows you're a fighter." 

Even just copying and pasting this is making me cry!  It's really strange how when you have lost a close loved one the grief hits at different times and with different intensities.  Sometimes at church I will just start crying when no one else is being touched and I feel so stupid, but something will remind me of dad or I'll just be thinking about him.  I miss all the things he's missing out on.  I wish he could see my cute kids and love on them and tickle them and wrestle!  Sam loved wrestling grandpa!  I miss him telling me that I didn't have to rely on others for answers, I could find my own and that all I had to do was be willing to pray and ask for help and the answers would come.  I miss him...I miss his laugh and his smell, and I miss his silly sense of humor.  I even miss the funny little wave he did under his chin! 

We are getting ready to have our annual Thomson family camp out, and it has really put me in a reflective mood.  Since most of my siblings are going to be there, I know dad would have wanted to give some kind of counsel.  (He was good at that.) I've been thinking a lot about that lately, and I wonder what he would say to us right now.  After reading the post from the girl who lost her father, I think dad would say, "Hang in there!"  It seems like a lot of us are struggling with different things lately and I know it's to test our faith and our endurance, and I can literally see dad saying to us, "Knock it off!  Just get to work, and hang in there!!!"  I can even see the fiery look in his eye...kind of scary!  I know there are several things I need tweak in my life but it's hard and life's busy...not an excuse to give to dad though...the man knew what it meant to work hard...spiritually and physically.  I'm not in any way pointing fingers, we all have our own situations, I just know dad/grandpa is fighting for us on the other side and we have to do our part if we want to be with him again!   

Missing you today dad.  It doesn't seem to be getting easier with time, it's almost harder. I know, without doubt, that we will have the opportunity to be together again.  I know he did his part and I have to do my part now, but it's hard sometimes and today I feel a little discouraged.  "Tomorrow will be a new day, with no mistakes in it."  Anne of Green Gables.

Only the beginning

I've kind of dreaded this post, but I feel like I can't keep on blogging past my dad's obituary without some feelings expressed by me.  So, here goes!

This last three weeks has been a little bit insane.  It started right after Christmas.  My dad was having noticable declines daily.  Kendall, me and the kiddos stayed at my parents house from the 26th through the 1st of January.  I had my dr.s appointment that was going to decide my bedridden fate on Tuesday so my thought this would be a good week to have have us come and stay so Kendall could get our bathroom all torn out and remodeled.  I'm really glad I got the chance to spend so much time with Dad that week because everything happened so fast.  On Thursday the 30th Ivan (the hospice caregiver) had trouble getting him too and from the bathroom to his chair and had to lay him down in the hallway until my mom could bring him the wheel chair.  They got him settled back into his bed and he wasn't able to get out of it again.  That night we had what was going to be a girl party at mom's with Jeanette, Becky Laura, me and mom, but it ended up being a looking through pictures party.  Thursday night was pretty crazy...Jeanette and I were talking in the family room when we heard noises coming from dad's room.  It was around 12:30 am when we went in and dad was trying to communicate, but couldn't get his words to come out clear, but his eyes were racing around the room and then he lifted up his hand and started pointing.  Jeanette and I looked at each other and new that he was speaking with and seeing people that we couldn't see, but could feel.  I asked dad if there were people there with him and he gave a small nod yes.  It was a pretty special experience and from then on almost every time went into his room I could feel the pressence of family.  On Friday the nurse came  and checked him and ended up putting a catheter in. Dad didn't want to eat at all after Thursday but was still drinking water at this point.  We rallied the family together to let them know that they probably needed to come pretty quickly to visit dad.  Everyone was able to come within the next two days.  It was really neat to me to see how unified our family can be.  I really love my brothers and sisters (including in-laws) so much and they are a huge strength to me.  On Sunday night we all got together again and the boys gave dad a blessing.  I'm so thankful for the Priesthood in my life, and I'm so glad to alway have had a Father who was willing and anxious to excercise his Priesthood.  It was a great blessing and afterwards we sang some primary songs.  Although dad was pretty out of it I think he really liked that we were all there together. 

From Monday on he just kept declining and looking worse and finally on Friday the 7th at 7:45 in the morning he passed.  All of the siblings got together and we were able to begin truly mourning.

The viewing was on Monday night and then the funeral was on Tuesday.  It ended up being a great tribute to my dad and I am so glad it turned out the way it did. 

I wanted to give a thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and thinking about us.  It has meant a lot. 

We love you dad

Thomas Gilbert Thomson

(April 30, 1945 - January 7, 2011)

Our loving husband, father & grandfather passed away peacefully at home on January 7, 2011. Tom, 65, had a long struggle with Alzheimer’s & Parkinson’s disease. He was born April 30, 1945, in SLC to Gladys & Thomas Marshall Thomson. He graduated from West High & served an LDS mission to the Gulf States. Tom married Karen McDermaid in the Salt Lake Temple on November 17, 1967. He was the owner & operator of Tom’s Iron Works. He was a faithful member of the LDS church serving in many callings including: Stake President, Bishop, High Counselor, YM President & Home Teacher. We will miss him dearly, especially his silly sense of humor & his love of family! Tom is survived by his wife, Karen, children: Laura (Guy) Lewis, Wendy (Russ) Steeneck, Jeanette (Brad) Atkinson, Becky (Dan) Hancock, Liz (Dan) Davis, Krista (Jeff) McMillan, Tom Jr. (Jenn) Thomson, Erin (Kendall) Johnson; 24 grandchildren with twins on the way. Also survived by his mother, Gladys Thomson Avery & siblings: Kathy (Alan) Parker, Debby (David) Plummer, Gary (Diana) Thomson, & Jeff (Judy) Thomson. He was preceded in death by his father & granddaughter, Dayna. Funeral services will be held on Tuesday, January 11th at 11:00 in the South Jordan Parkway Stake Center, 9894 S. 2700 West. A viewing will be held Monday, January 10th from 6:30 to 8:30 & Tuesday from 9:30 to 10:30 with both visitations held at the Stake Center. Interment: Valley View Memorial Park, 4335 West 4100 South, West Valley City.

A day of fun

Our neighbor has a few leafy trees in his front yard, and the other day he was raking up the leaves and invited the kiddos over to come and jump in them.  I think it made their day!  At first they were just running through them.

Then Kendall started tossing them into the huge pile.  They were laughing so hard.  I love this picture of Maggie because every time she'd run to Kendall and say "please," then when he'd toss her in she'd have this mixed look of terror and delight.  It was hilarious!

Can't you just feel the bugs crawling on you...ewww!

 In the end even Kendall had to try it out.  He thought the babies would think it was fun too and I said "Over my dead body!"  Being completely surrounded in leaves is definitely not something that sounds fun to me!

On Tuesday we watched my dad for the day while my mom went to the doctor and ran some errands.  My dad is starting to slip pretty fast and his joking and silliness has started to make the kids a little uneasy, but by the end of the day he was laying on the ground and Sam and Maggie just started kissing him.  I had to keep reminding Sam that he couldn't rough house with Grandpa like he used too and he needed a fairly detailed reason why not, so I guess in the end giving kisses seemed like a good alternative.

Shriver Report Gives a Face to Alzheimer's

This is a little video I found after watching World New with Diane Sawyer tonight.  I thought is was very interesting, and the site is pretty awesome for those of us who are interested in this disease.  Check it out if you'd like, but you may need some kleenex.

Dad

My Dad's 65th birthday is coming up and my sister Laura has asked all of us to write down some of our favorite memories with him. I've been working on this list for a while and been having some pretty good laughs over some of his crazy antics...he used to hide out patiently so he could scare me any chance he got.  His favorite seemed to be when I would get home at 11:00 pm from school at the U and he'd be hiding behind the locker in the garage; just waiting for me to walk around to where he was.  Then he'd just say something and I would seriously jump out of my skin!  It got to the point where I'd have to come up with ways to get into the house without walking by anything he could be lurking behind! 

But I think that my favorite thing/memory about my dad is that even though he isn't himself anymore there are still some fundmental parts of him that I don't think will ever leave.  Anytime there is something spiritual going on he tries to bear his testimony, and he can still muster out a prayer.  I love that about him and I think that it shows how much his testimony is a part of him.  The first picture is from 1999, the second is from 2005 at my wedding.  These others are just a few of Sam and Grandpa together from this last year.  The first one is Sam helping him put on his shoes, and the second is the two of them playing trucks.

Wow!

You know, it's funny. I think I've had a major epiphany...we have absolutely no control over this life, and that's a good thing. Let me explain how I've come to this conclusion. My dad has Alzheimer's. This is an absolutely horrible disease, that affects everyone around it's victims. I've heard many people say that there are blessings that come from this disease, and until today I couldn't appreciate what that meant...and actually was quite annoyed by that statement. You see, a blessing to me tends to mean something I am thankful for, and I certainly haven't reached the point of appreciating this disease. Anyways, I was watching the pilot of a new show called Mental this morning while I was nursing Maggie, it's about a new doctor in a psych ward that uses different methods of helping the patients. He was working with a man that had schizophrenia, and he was trying to use alternate methods of treating him besides just medication. I have been thinking about what the purpose of Alzheimer's is and what it has done to our lives. I think about this often, as I was watch and help my father struggle with simple tasks and daily functions. I often wonder, "What is the purpose of disease and such difficult struggles, and what am I supposed to be learning from this experience?" I think the answer to that question is this, we have to learn that we have no control over our lives...if you've ever had a humbling experience, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that we have no control over our choices or that we don't have agency...I'm saying that we make choices, but we have absolutely no input as to what the consequences for our actions will be. Not only that, but many things come into our lives with absolutely no choice made on our ends at all. When my dad was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's I remember feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me...like life was out of control. Which in reality, "control", is such an illusion. We are so used to having things in order that the second an unplanned experience comes our way we feel completely uprooted. I still feel that way everyday. If you'd have told me 10 years ago, that at the age of 25 I would become one of the primary care givers to my 64 year father with Alzheimer's as well as a wife and mother of 2 small children I'd have thought you were crazy, and if you'd have asked me to prepare for this I wouldn't have known how. You see, the blessing I have decided has come from this unplanned, and completely unexpected event in our lives is that I have learned that I have absolutely no control over my life. Which used to be a really scary feeling to me, until I realized that the person who does have control is so much wiser than me, can see my past, present, and future, and loves me more than I can possibly imagine. When I had this sweet experience this morning of understanding, I realized that I love my father more now that I get to see him struggle through this small part of his life. The opportunity I have to help him at what he'd consider his very worst, has actually strengthened our relationship, because he can't do it alone. Which I realized today is so much like my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Our relationship is strengthened most when I allow him to help me when I am at my very worst. For this I am grateful. Sorry for my ramblings, and hopefully they kind of made sense, but my heart is very full today.